A DAY AT WORK

(An autobiographical script of a ('gone nuts')software engineer's life)

The whiteness all around haunts me… The whiteness of the screen in front of me seems to tell me how colorless life has become. Scared, when I look down in an attempt to escape from the white screen, I see the whiteness of the papers on my desk. Documents scattered around… I never make an attempt to put them in order. That is the least the ghost of the rebel in me can do. I wish to chatter endlessly, I wish to paint my cubicle in a thousand hues, I wish to laugh out aloud, but the wishes come up and get stuck somewhere. All I can hear is the clatter of the keys on the keyboard- the keys that continuously jab down the tiny sprouting desires within the heart.

At times I believe that I have become hypersensitive. A smiling face brings so much of elation to me that I feel euphoric for a few minutes. And the next minute I see my superior’s name blink in the msn and I shiver in fear. (Shiver might be a bit of an exaggeration. But I do at least shrink- that is- the head held high is lowered, the shoulders set apart in relaxation come together in a hunch, and the legs that swing continuously are restrained.) But then, at times, I think I have become insensitive. I do not realize that I haven’t eaten anything from last night onwards. I also don’t realize that I have had my full even while I am having my third round of meal (I deny all those reports stating that the second point mentioned is not a new development).

Well, I call this a love-hate relationship, err… with my work. Why didn’t I even bother to take a note of how many times I thought that I loved my work and how many times I hated it. But even if I tried, it would have been impossible. The feeling changes faster than I write a test case. I doubt that, among other things, work has induced in me bipolar disorder as well. (They say that it is a disease in which you feel like a 5-year-old one moment and a software engineer, the next. Or in other words- sudden and varying feelings of extreme happiness and sadness.)

I just got a glance of my colleague- the one with scrutinizing eyes and a fake smile. I mean- one of the ones… For me, she has no name. Names are easier to forget when you have a lot of tasks to remember. Ah, yes, tasks- there are tasks. I try to concentrate on my work.

I am drifting off to sleep. I am aware that on getting caught AGAIN, I will be criticized in no uncertain terms. But I do not bother. I see a short and sweet dream in which I ask people with floating faces to go to hell. Someone is shouting at me. I still do not care. The voice is coming nearer. Irritated, I wake up from my sleep. I recognize that the voice is familiar- my boss!!! The next second, the valiant soldier in me is dead. I start typing away mechanically, jabbing the keys on to a heavy heart.